Well, I have made decision to join this contest because I love to share how my desktop look like to the blogger world. Since I love heavenly scenery, my desktop background should be like that but due to limitation of time I can’t adjust more than this.
Thanks to Mr. Anwar Osman for making this type of contest.
Oh, I know about anxiety disorders. Several years ago, I struggled with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I was plagued with non-stop worry about work, money, and relationships, even when nothing was wrong.
On nights when I could not sleep, the sound of my worried thoughts was like a million buzzing insects; my mind, a hive.
I had an old, oscillating fan sitting on my bedside table that I would turn on to drown out the hum of my thoughts. The wind on my face felt good. And the white noise, like the sound of a car’s motor on a long trip, conjured images of the open road. I learned to follow that road down into sleep night after night, fleeing my worry.
But when I awoke, the worry always returned. Would I make it to work on time? Would my boss be upset with me? There were as many reasons to worry as there were stars in the sky.
My doctor prescribed Paxil. For the first couple of weeks, it seemed to help, but not without side effects. One time, while medicated, I found myself in an important meeting with senior management, and I had the strangest feeling of pressure and warmth around the top of my skull, as though my skullcap had been flipped open, allowing sunlight to filter directly into my brain. That was one very strange feeling! Some people report great results with Paxil, but it eventually made my brain feel like it was made of gelatin. I stopped taking it.
After a stressful day at work, I would come home and find something else to worry about, usually my latest home improvement project. When my wife and I decided to redecorate the living room, I would sit in there for hours, staring at the curtains, shifting furniture around, trying to get everything just right. I went to the home store about 500 times, trying to find the perfect sheers to compliment our blinds. Sometimes I became so upset I felt like I was having a break down. I’d start yelling, screaming, and carrying on about the position of the fish aquarium or the spectrum of the light coming from the lamps. How my wife put up with my madness I will never know, but she was always supportive.
Flash forward to today, a fine Spring afternoon in 2007. My struggles with anxiety are a distant memory. I feel great! I no longer have trouble falling to sleep at night, and all the little worries that used to plague me have evaporated into the winds. I still experience anxiety every now and then, but it’s no longer excessive or debilitating. I feel normal.
So what changed? Let me tell you.
Stop Trying to be Perfect
For most people, anxiety and stress are positive feelings that encourage focus and preparation. But for those of us suffering from anxiety disorders, the urge to prepare can become an exaggerated and unrealistic quest for perfection, a need to have things “just so.” For me, one of the keys to peace was learning to live with imperfection.
I am an audio-video geek from way back. My greatest obsession used to be breaking into my television’s secret service menu and tinkering with the picture settings for hours, trying to get the picture just right. This drove my wife quite mad, since she was usually trying to watch something at the time.
“Could you please let me watch this show?” she would say.
“Um, no,” I would respond. My need for perfect geometry and black level was like a normal person’s need for oxygen. Would I ask my wife not to breathe? Nope. So why should she ask me not to tinker?
Finally, one day, I got fed up with myself and put the remote control down. Once I stopped obsessing about the picture, it looked fine. How ironic that the obsession compelling me to tinker was the same obsession allowing me to see imperfections in the first place.
Passion becomes obsession when it starts having a negative impact on you; in practice, there is very little difference between a man obsessesing over his television, a woman obsessesing over her appearance, or a person obsessing over the cleanliness of his or her house.
Our quest for perfection creeps into areas where we may not recognize it. I know people who rehearse important conversations to the point of exhaustion, debug code to rediculous levels of thoroughness (that used to be me), and who proof-read a document hundreds of times.
Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule? There are many variations of this rule, but the version I am talking about says that 80% of the value of something can be obtained with 20% of the effort. I finally learned to maximize my first 20% and stop. I still tinker with my television and projector every now and then, but only for short periods of time to correct a specific problem – and 80/20 is always in effect.
Stop Obsessing About What Others Think
Many people are concerned about the opinions of those around them. This is normal, in fact good, since it helps us fit in, relate, and communicate more effectively. But for people suffering from extreme anxiety, concern becomes panic. What will my boss think? What will my friends think? Will my associates think I’m stupid?
We project our perfectionist tendencies onto others, but we must remind ourselves that no one cares about our imperfections like we do. Instead of worrying about what others think, I have learned to keep moving forward.
Start Exercising
Being anxious takes energy. If you use your energy for something productive, you will have less energy to be anxious.
I started riding my elliptical machine nightly. This improved my mood, made me calm, and helped me sleep. After I had built up my cardiovascular health, I started working out on my Bowflex. I felt stronger, more relaxed, and more in control. The benefits of exercise are well known; it definitely worked for me.
Start Leading a Balanced Life
Symptoms of our disorder explode in high stress environments. My highest stress environments have resulted from an unbalanced life. And when I talk about balance, I mean balance between your internal motivations and your daily activities. If you are struggling to find balance, read my six part series on how to lead a synergistic life.
I took a hard look at my job and my personal life. My job in particular was not congruent with my life purpose, so I found another one. First, I moved from software development to software design, which was a better use of my skills and resulted in an immediate reduction of stress. My second job change was from Systems Designer to Web Master of this site; this new job allows me to truly embrace my life purpose to help others learn, grow, and achieve.
Leading a balanced life has reduced my stress more than anything else
You Can Beat Anxiety Too
I beat anxiety, and I believe you can too. If you are struggling, you might want to consider seeing a doctor, since medicine and therapy can both be very effective. Medicine was my first recourse, and even though it didn’t work for me, it does work for some. Keep in mind, your doctor will be able to give you competent medical advice regarding your specific situation.
If you are able, you can always try what I did. Learn to be less than perfect. Start riding your treadmill or going for walks at least 3 times a week. And most importantly, address the areas of your life causing you to be unbalanced. If you keep trying, I know you can lead a better life. Best wishes to you.
Do you find yourself envious of other people? Do these feelings of envy affect the way you feel about yourself? About others?
If you answered yes to any of these questions (and especially if you answered yes to all three), listen up: you’re wasting your potential; squandering your happiness.
Let’s talk about how you can put envy behind you forever and learn to be happier.
Are You Smarter than a 3rd Grader?
When I was in 3rd grade, my grade school decided to have a canned food drive to help an area shelter. It was going to be a contest! The classroom that collected the most cans would be rewarded with an afternoon of movie watching.
And this wasn’t going to be some lame 8mm wildlife movie on the school projector, but an honest-to-goodness Hollywood blockbuster that we actually wanted to see.
I wouldn’t expect today’s 3rd graders to understand the attraction of watching a real Hollywood movie at school, since we now live in the age of easily accessible DVDs and video downloads, and lots of kids these days are practically being raised by recorded media. But back then, when I was in the 3rd grade, these new-fangled devices called VCRs were just starting to show up in the average American home. And as a result, watching a blockbuster movie any place other than a theater was a big deal. Watching one at school was unheard of.
I wanted to win the contest, so I went home and bagged as many cans as I could: greenbeans, chili, yams, and soup. I lugged my cans to school every day for the next week. The rest of my class did the same thing. And of course, the other two 3rd grade classes engaged in fierce competition with us, as evidenced by the large stack of cans piling up outside their doorways.
After a week, we all waited anxiously as the teachers tallied up the take and prepared to announce the winning class.
But alas, there was no winner. Instead, there was a 3-way tie. Sort of.
Each of the 3rd grade classes had delivered hundreds of cans, each within 4 or 5 of the others. Technically, I’m sure that one class delivered more, but all I remember is that all the classes were going to be allowed to watch the movie.
Yay!
In my little 3rd grade mind, this made perfect since. We had all done a good deed. A local shelter was going to have a pantry full of food. And all of us were going to enjoy a major Hollywood movie on school time instead of doing math. I mean, what’s not to like about this set-up?
But apparently, a lot of the kids were very upset. I distinctly remember one kid saying, “It’s no fun being a winner if there isn’t any loser.”
I was mystified. Dumbfounded. I couldn’t understand why these other kids couldn’t be happy watching the movie as a group. This wasn’t the SuperBowl or a job interview – this was a canned food drive organized by 3rd grade teachers, for God’s sake. Did there really have to be a loser?
Before I go any further, I want to head one particular argument off at the pass. I’m sure some of you will take exception to the way the teachers handled the situation due to inconsistency, breaking of rules, and the sacrifice of a perfectly good lesson in sportsmanship for a touchy-feely ending without losers. And if that’s the way you feel, more power to you. But know this: whether your argument holds water isn’t germane to the point I’m making.
My point is simple:
To many of my 3rd grade peers, the act of doing a good deed and enjoying personal success was not sufficient unless they had someone else to look down upon. There was no point in being a winner unless there was a loser. No point in victory except to watch another’s defeat. In other words, my issue is not with the way the situation was (or wasn’t) handled by the teachers, but rather with the self-defeating attitude of those affected. Many of the kids who’d previously looked forward to the film now watched in disgust, focusing on the undeserving in their midst instead of on their own enjoyment.
Of course, looking back, it’s understandable that 3rd graders should feel that way. After all, they’re just children. But all too often, I see this kind of mindset in grown men and women, especially unfortunate in non-competitive situations where it’s simply not called for.
Yes, lessons in sportsmanship, such as learning to lose gracefully and win with humility, are very important in life. But I outright reject the ridiculous notion that victory cannot be enjoyed except at the expense of another’s defeat.
So what does all of this have to do with envy? Two words: Scarcity Mindset.
Scarcity and You:
If you find yourself resenting another’s success, ask yourself why. Is it because you believe that another person’s success has somehow encouraged your own failure? Is it because you believe that success is a limited resource and that all the winners in the world are your primary competition? Is it because you think the world is unfairly, perhaps arbitrarily, doling out good fortune on everyone but you?
That, my friends, is the scarcity mindset at its worst. And unless you nip it in the bud, the scarcity mindset will eat your happiness alive.
Yes, the world is full of competitive situations. Job interviews. Scholarship competitions. Essay writing contests. And yes, you may find yourself in direct competition with others for a limited resource. But no, those other people, as a general rule, do not determine whether you will win or lose. That, my friends, is up to you.
Please understand I’m not talking about science, or irrefutable facts, or hard data. What I’m talking about is philosophy. Attitude. The decision to take responsibility for your own success and happiness instead of blaming someone or something else for whatever befalls you.
After all, if you won’t take responsibility for your success, who will?
Even in highly competitive situations, your success has more to do with you than with anyone else.
So what’s the secret of success? Well, there is no single secret, but I can sum up an important one in two words:
Abundance. Persistence.
Think Abundantly Instead:
The next time you find yourself envious of another human being, snip that dangerous emotion off at the root. Do not allow it to take hold. It won’t do you any good anyway. Instead of viewing success as a limited resource being doled out capriciously or carried away by more successful predators, view it as an ever-expanding pie.
If another person does well, wish him well. Enjoy his success as your own. Share it with him.
And keep trying, knowing yours is out there too.
One of the quickest ways to spread the sunny rays of happiness over your life is to directly confront the negative attitudes darkening your doorstep.
While neither universal nor all-encompassing, the joy-stealing attitudes and corresponding cures listed below are common enough to warrant a thumbtack on the wall of many lives, including my own.
1. Jealousy: Destroy the green monster by celebrating the successes of others. If your friend succeeds, celebrate his victory as your own; if your enemy succeeds, remind yourself that jealousy is self-defeating, pointless, and merely extends an enemy’s power over you.
2. Persecution Complex: Recognize that persecution is irrelevant, since you (and only you) control the outcome of your life. Every person has a stack of obstacles placed before him; success hinges upon your ability to overcome the obstacles in your path, persecution or no.
3. Lack of Accountability: We may not control every bad thing that happens to us, but we do control how we react to those bad things. Instead of passing the buck, take responsibility for every failure so you can learn and grow.
4. Perfectionism: Stop nit picking. Perfection is rarely attainable and seldom necessary. You’re a person, not a robot. Use the 80/20 Rule whenever appropriate.
5. Excessive Reasoning: Man is blessed with a marvelous and astounding ability to reason. At its best, this ability facilitates accomplishment; at its worst, it causes spirals of perfectionism, over-thinking, and paralysis by analysis. If it’s clear you’re in a situation that cannot be improved through logic and reason, learn to let go.
6. Negativism: Remind yourself that there are just as many positive forces in the world as negative ones; your fixation on the negative is a matter of perspective and choice.
7. Assuming the Worst of Others: There is a fine line between guarding against a realistic threat and being needlessly defensive. Make sure you haven’t crossed that line. Whenever possible, give people the benefit of the doubt.
8. Low Self-Esteem: Raise your self-esteem by recognizing your accomplishments and positive qualities; further boost it by correcting the problem areas that drag you down.
9. Low Self-Efficacy: Self-efficacy is defined as faith in your ability to achieve a desired outcome. To overcome low self-efficacy, master the skills required to reach your objective. Practice, practice, practice.
10. Feelings of Meaninglessness: Inject meaning into your life by learning to follow your passion: that internal compass, guiding you toward fulfillment. Read my synergy series of articles for more information; if you disagree with my approach for discovering purpose, pioneer your own.
Unhappiness is both self-defined and self-imposed (meaning a person who believes himself happy is), so if you’re capable of controlling your mental state without examining its constituent elements, I stand in awe of your mental abilities and politely leave you to your devices.
On the other hand, if you’re like most people I’ve known (myself included) and occasionally feel unhappy for reasons that cannot be swept under the rug, review this list of 10 self-destructive attitudes and corresponding cures.
By understanding the source of your unhappiness, you can take the steps required to climb out of the hole of despair and into the sunlight of happiness.
Last week, a couple of readers asked if I had any tips for increasing self-esteem. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today – how to raise your self-esteem.
Traditional advice includes positive affirmation, recognizing your strengths, and meditation – but my advice includes none of these.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure affirmations work wonderfully for some people, but they did not work for me because they seemed like a trick – a smoke screen covering the truth – to my highly analytical mind.
Whether affirmations work really isn’t the point – the point is that the advice I dispense on this site comes from my own experience. In other words, I have to write what I know.
And the truth is, I know what it’s like to suffer from low self-esteem, and I also know what it’s like to finally learn to believe in myself. So every bit of advice that I dispense here today has been battle tested in my own life.
There are no easy fixes here because raising your self-esteem requires hard work, introspection, and dedication. So let’s get to work!
Discard Outdated and Unfair Childhood Evaluations
Many people who suffer from low self-esteem learned to think poorly of themselves during childhood, often because someone of significance disapproved of them: a parent, relative, or peer.
It really doesn’t matter who planted the seeds of your low self-esteem; if you’re still dragging the opinion of someone else around with you, it’s time to formulate your own opinions based upon your life as it exists today.
My own struggles with self-esteem can be traced back to specific incidents in my childhood, often involving the bullying and teasing of peers. Once I understood this, I started telling myself that the opinions of a bunch of grade-school kids formed more than 25 years ago were an awfully flimsy foundation upon which to base my current opinion of myself.
My perspective didn’t change overnight, but it did change.
Take Responsibility for Everything in Your Life
Find a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “I am responsible for everything in my life. And only I have the power to make my life better.”
This is not an affirmation – it’s a reality check. And despite the fact that these words may seem self-defeating, I promise you they are the most liberating words I know.
How wonderful it is to know we have the power to take the reigns of our lives and assume responsibility for all our life circumstances.
Improve Your Trouble Areas
Do you have one or two areas that send you into spirals of despair? If so, fix those areas.
When I was younger, I had terrible people skills, which is one of the reasons my peers rejected me in grade school. But as I grew older, I recognized the importance of correcting the problem within me instead of waiting for the world to change. Today, I’m a skilled communicator, comfortable around people, with no self-esteem issues.
The moral here is simple: If you doubt your intelligence, accomplish something intellectual; if you doubt your social skills, accomplish something social; and if you doubt your physical abilities, accomplish something physical.
At first, it may feel like you’re wrestling a bear; and in a way, you are. A trouble area is a beast that delights in dragging you down into its cave to gnaw on your self-esteem. To defeat the beast, you’ll have to plow through some dark, unexplored parts of your psyche.
As you work through your problem areas, you will probably fail before you succeed, which brings us to my next bit of advice.
Embrace Failure
Failure is your friend! As long as your failures are moving you closer to your desired end-state, they are good.
When you fail, figure out why and be determined to learn from it. What can you do to improve your chances of success next time? Find someone who has accomplished what you are trying to do and ask for her advice.
We learn from our failures. Just think about how many times you fell before you walked, how many meaningless sounds you made before you talked. If you won’t risk failure, you’ll never grow.
Finish what You Start
Finishing college taught me to believe in my intelligence. Finishing big projects taught me to believe in my leadership skills. Following through on my promises taught me I could be dependable and trustworthy.
By learning to finish what I started, I learned the most important lesson of all: that I was capable.
Sometimes walking away from a problem is the smartest thing you can do, but any decision to quit must come from logic, not fear. Instead of walking away from challenges, meet them head on. Finish what you start on a consistent basis, and you will soon learn to trust yourself.
Join a Productive Club
Find something productive that you love to do (writing, dancing, acting, programming, or whatever) and then find a group of like-minded people who are interested in learning this activity with you.
The group is your support structure and your growth catalyst, and it will help you accomplish something you can be proud of.
Increase Your Positive Relationships
Don’t ask me why, but people with low self-esteem seem to attract abusers, probably because they’re easy to pick on.
If you’re like I was at one point in my life, your radar for evaluating worthwhile relationships may be totally screwed up. In this case, stop evaluating relationships with your heart, and start evaluating them with your mind. Does a person logically appear to be a good influence? If not, consider moving on to a new relationship.
If you surround yourself with positive, supportive people instead of deadbeats and abusers – well, that’s half the battle, isn’t it?
What are Your Tips for Increasing Self-Esteem?.
I hope my 7 tips are able to help you, in some small way, overcome whatever self-esteem issues you’re dealing with. There are many more tips I could share, but I want to turn the conversation over to the readers at this point because I believe we’re stronger as a blogging community than we are alone.
Do you have a tip to help others overcome low self-esteem? If so, leave a comment, and let your contemporaries benefit from your knowledge.
Conversely, if you’re struggling with low self-esteem, let us know.
By looking inward, working hard, and focusing on tomorrow instead of yesterday, I know you can find the healthy self-image you’re looking for.
